Mistletoe & Matrimony | 2024 Christmas Movies

For those of you that don’t know, Oprah Winfrey has her own television network called OWN (Oprah Winfrey Network). I’ve been wanting to watch their movies for awhile but I didn’t have a way to access it. This year they have released at least one of their Christmas movies - Mistletoe & Matrimony - on HBO Max. Let’s check it out.

Olivia (Ashlei Sharpe Chestnut) is an amazing wedding planner. When her sister, Rosemary (Asha James), announces not only her engagement to her girlfriend, Gwen (Krista Nazaire), but also that they want to get married on Christmas Eve in two weeks, Olivia tries her best to step up to the plate and plan her sister’s dream wedding. To add to the stress, Gwen has asked her best friend, Isaiah (Etienne Maurice), Olivia’s ex-boyfriend, to be the wedding photographer. Can Olivia give her sister everything she wants?

This is one of those movies where the family dynamic is crazy. The older sister gave up her dreams of traveling to take care of their mother after she had a bad fall. Then she’s trying to fulfill all of her sister’s insane requests, while everyone is else responds with “You know how your sister is.” (Who wants a horse-drawn carriage in Chicago in DECEMBER? You will die of frostbite.) To be honest, having to hang around her ex-boyfriend is the least of Olivia’s problems. Of course, everything resolves itself at the end but it is very stressful and annoying during the rest of the movie.

While I found Rosemary entitled and ungrateful, that doesn’t make the movie unwatchable. Just maybe stay away if you have a bit of a toxic family life. It may keep you from enjoying Mistletoe as much as you should.

Rating: I’m not sure the writer has ever seen winter.

Following Yonder Star | 2024 Christmas Movies

Surprisingly, with Following Yonder Star, I have caught up on all of the currently aired Hallmark/Lifetime/Great American Family Christmas movies. I don’t think I’ve ever caught up to the airing schedule before. I’m blaming the fact that Hallmark has released a bunch of movies on their Hallmark+ app that I decided not to get this year. But don’t worry, I still have Netflix and Hulu and all of the other streaming apps to keep me going!

Abby Marshall (Brooke D’Orsay) used to play the perfect wife and mother on TV. Now her life is falling apart thanks to a scandal. So she attempts to spend the holidays at a luxury resort in Vermont…but she accidentally booked the suite for next year. Thankfully, there is a room at a local bed and breakfast owned by Tom (John Brotherton). Abby spends her vacation helping Tom direct the church Christmas pageant, allowing her to find what is truly important to her.

For the first time in a long time, Hallmark has released a movie that references God a lot. Usually they stick to movies that make vague references to religion or they stay away from religion altogether. While it made a little bit of sense with the nativity Christmas pageant, it still felt odd in the context of the movie. Abby didn’t seem particularly religious through most of the movie then suddenly God has a plan. It was weird.

Beyond that, Following Yonder Star is fine. There’s nothing spectacular about it but it’s not awful either. It fits perfectly in that in-between space Hallmark loves.

Rating: People really are that delusional about celebrities

Christmas On The Alpaca Farm | 2024 Christmas Movies

I am nearing the end of the Christmas movies on my list and I will be very happy when this is over. I was looking forward to Christmas On The Alpaca Farm because how can you screw up a movie about alpacas, right? You make it not ab0ut alpacas.

Jess Hilliard (Kirsten Comerford) wants to create a line of sustainable high fashion. When the New York City fashion label she works for scraps her line of alpaca fleece sweaters, she quits to enter a Christmas competition with her own designs. Since the Flannery Farm, where she got her alpaca fleece previously, had to fire their entire staff when the sweater line was scrapped, Jess goes to help Andrew (Matt Wells) and his daughter, Georgia (Ai Barrett), harvest the fleece.

This movie should have been about a city girl being forced to work on an alpaca farm for some reason and she fails, at first, before falling in love with the animals and learning how to care for them and maybe she makes them silly little hats or scarves or something and, in the end, she falls in love with the alpaca man. But no, this movie had to be about fashion. They throw around the term high fashion a few times and nothing here is high fashion. Luxury, yes. High fashion, no. Those are two very different things.

I’m also annoyed that Andrew kept pulling this “You can’t blend my alpaca fleece with ANYTHING!” There are, like, 20 alpacas on his farm that we see. How much fleece does he really think they can generate? Google tells me that an average sweater uses about a pound of alpaca fleece and the average alpaca produces 5 to 10 pounds of fleece per year. Even though Jess is making some chunky sweaters, let’s be nice and say she’s only using one pound. And let’s say these alpacas are amazing at producing fleece so each one gives us 10 pounds. (Yes, I’m being super generous.) Ten pounds of fleece times twenty alpacas is 200 pounds of fleece. Each sweater takes one pound so Jess can make, at most, 200 sweaters per year with this fleece. That might be good for a starting point but there were big companies wanting to sell these sweaters. 200 sweaters per year isn’t a sustainable business plan.

Was there anything good about this movie? I guess Georgia was kinda cute. Ooh, maybe we can have a Georgia & The Alpacas movie and just forget about the adults. That could be adorable!

Rating: These sweaters were ugly and boring too

Get Him Back For Christmas | 2024 Christmas Movies

Great American Family really does love their husband-wife pairings this year. We had Mario Lopez and his wife in Once Upon A Christ, now we have the PenaVegas in Get Him Back For Christmas. Oh, Mario Lopez does appear in this movie as well…as himself. Great American Family really needs to branch out some more with their actors.

Bella (Alexa PenaVega) is an up-and-coming singer who recently came into the spotlight thanks to her rockstar boyfriend, Sage Majors (Alan Powell). When Sage breaks up with her, Bella goes back home for the holidays. She meets up with her old songwriter friend, Jack (Carlos PenaVega), in the hopes that they can write a new song together that will help her win Sage back.

Get Him Back was both interesting and boring at the same time. There were some cute scenes: playing around with outfits in the Salvation Army store Jack worked at; Jack’s brother, Matt (Kevin Valdez), trying to figure out if Mia (Abbey Romeo) likes him and whether he should ask her out; and some of the performance scenes were cute. But then they are followed by ridiculousness: Bella setting up a solo performance for Jack in the Dallas Cowboy stadium with the Cowboy cheerleaders was unbelievable; all of the scenes of Jack and Bella writing songs was cringe-worthy; and the sheer misuse of comedic virtuoso Victoria Jackson was heart-wrenching. It leaves me unsure if I actually liked the movie itself or if I only enjoying the actors. Either way, the movie could have definitely used another go-round with the editors.

Rating: More Victoria Jackson, less Mario Lopez

The Santa Class | 2024 Christmas Movies

One of the newer tropes in Christmas movies is “teaching people how to be Santa Claus.” We had Santa Bootcamp back in 2022 and now we have The Santa Class. That is some big boots to fill.

Kate North (Kimberley Sustad) has recently become the new owner of North Star, a school that teaches how to become Santa Claus. Unfortunately, the school has fallen on hard times. On top of that, San, an instructor for their rival - St. Nicholas School, has recently been laid off and has turned to Kate for a job. As they prepare for their next class session, Kate and Dan come upon Nick (Trevor Lerner), a man with amnesia dressed in a Santa suit who they believe is the real Santa Claus. Can they help Nick regain his memory while defeating St. Nicholas School in The Santa Cup competition and save North Star at the same time?

I’ll admit that this isn’t one of my favorite movies this year. There are a lot of places where the movie seems to drag a little. However, it does have some really funny scenes. Particularly the ones with Paul Campbell, one of Hallmark’s favorite leading men, playing a fictional version of himself preparing for a role as Santa Claus in a Christmas movie. I think I would have liked it better if there were a little more actiony scenes that involved everyone. For example, there’s a scene where they go to a trivia contest. One of the students is studying Santa folklore and they let him answer all of the questions. Scenes like that are much funnier when everyone participates, not just one person. (See Trivia At St. Nick’s.)

The ‘is Nick really Santa’ storyline was also really good. If they weren’t going to focus on the group as a whole, another good idea would have been to focus on him more. I’m not sure what they point they wanted to make with the movie. Santa is really real? A group of misfits can beat the cool kids when they work together? Passion for something is more important than money? These have all been done many, many times before. The Santa Class doesn’t give us a good reason to sit through it again.

Rating: Paul Campbell referencing his entire body of work is the best running joke ever

The Holiday Junkie | 2024 Christmas Movies

There are some years that we get a really sad Christmas movie. A movie so sad that I’m not sure why anyone would want to release it during the Christmas season. The Holiday Junkie just might make that list.

Andie (Jennifer Love Hewitt) ran a holiday decorating company with her mother. After her mother passes away, Andie is left to run the company on her own. With help from Mason (Brian Hallisay), Andie works through her grief as she plans some epic holiday events.

This movie was written and directed by Jennifer Love Hewitt in memory of her own mother, who passed in 2012. Keeping that in mind, you’ll understand why I say this movie is so sad. There are a number of scenes where Hewitt breaks down in tears and you can’t help but feel bad for her. I think she was able to feel this vulnerable on screen because Mason in played by her real life husband, who she has been married to since 2013. The feelings that you see on screen feel so real and so raw. Of course, this is good for the movie but it may be very triggering to some people. Especially this time of year.

While the acting and the story are both amazing, it is a little annoying that almost all of the main characters have some sort of big trauma. Sure, everyone has some sort of trauma but this is a Christmas movie. We don’t need 3 out of the 4 main characters being traumatized over relationships. To be honest, it would have been nice to have more than just best friend Darren (Greg Grunberg) as the comic relief. A little more levity may have made this feel a bit more appropriate for the Christmas season.

Rating: Bring a whole box of tissues with you

Hanukkah On The Rocks | 2024 Christmas Movies

Hanukkah On The Rocks is this year’s Hallmark Hanukkah movie. I am so glad that it wasn’t Leah’s Perfect Gift. That would have been sad.

Tory (Stacey Farber) is a lawyer who gets laid off shortly before the first day of Hanukkah. While debating where to go with her life, she finds herself temporarily bartending at Rocky’s, a local dive bar. With the help of bar regular, Sam (Marc Summers), and his son, Jay (Daren Kagasoff), Tory figures out what is really important to her.

Most of the time, I find the annual Hanukkah movie to be better than some of the Christmas movies. And this year is no different. I loved that Hanukkah isn’t just a background holiday that happens to be celebrated as the plot progresses. No, there are actual celebrations with lighting the candle each night, kids playing dreidel, and Tory creating specialty themed cocktails. And since the bar was celebrating every night, they welcomed all of their patrons to celebrate, not just the Jewish ones. It was so refreshing after the awfulness of Leah’s Perfect Gift.

The only negative I have for the movie is the secondary conflict between Tory, Jay, and Sam. I don’t want to spoil that part of the plot but I really don’t understand why Jay got upset about it. Especially at Tory. It was another of those “Why didn’t you tell me this?” - “Because they asked me not to!” types of conflicts and I hate those. Don’t blame the person who was asked not to tell. Blame the person that did the asking. Thankfully, it’s not the main conflict and it’s solved pretty quickly. So it doesn’t really ruin the beauty of the rest of the movie.

Rating: Can we get non-alcoholic versions of those drinks?

All I Need For Christmas | 2024 Christmas Movies

The title for All I Need For Christmas reminds me of those Blake Shelton Time For Christmas movies. Thankfully, this is not in that series. So let’s see what it is.

Maggie (Mallory Jansen) is a singer/songwriter who is having trouble getting her career off the ground, blaming technology for making all music sound the same. After her touring gig has been cancelled, she returns to her family’s Christmas tree farm for the holiday. There she meets Archer (Dan Jeannotte), a man with family troubles whose tech company is about to launch two new apps for musicians. Maybe the two of them can help each other in more ways than they originally thought.

When I turned this movie on, I didn’t think I would like it. Boy, was I surprised. In these sort of movies, one of the main characters is usually kinda terrible and they get turned around by the others. On the contrary, both of these people are fairly nice. Sure, Maggie is a little mean to Archer at the beginning when she finds out he runs a tech company but she quickly learns that she was wrong and actually apologizes to him. TWICE! And Archer tries everything he can to stay a normal, even-keeled person, even when his sister, Piper (Emily Tennant), tries to push his buttons.

Despite All I Need For Christmas airing on the subpar Hallmark Mystery channel, I do recommend watching it. It has the perfect synergy between cheesy, saccharine, and conflict. I think this is one that almost anyone would enjoy.

Rating: Can I pet them pigs?

Leah's Perfect Gift | 2024 Christmas Movies

It has been a long time since a movie made me angry. Leah’s Perfect Gift made me so angry that I almost didn’t finish the movie. As a matter of fact, I had to stop watching it halfway through and take a break. This may be a long rant.

Leah (Emily Arlook) is a Jewish woman who is so excited to experience her first Christmas with her boyfriend, Graham’s (Evan Roderick), family. Much to her dismay, everything she does seems to upset Graham’s mother, Barbara (Barbara Niven). Is there any way Christmas can be saved?

Uuuuuggghhhh. I know this was supposed to be a “bad mother-in-law” type of movie. But Barbara isn’t Leah’s mother-in-law and, more importantly, this is the first time they are meeting. Barbara is so mean and vile to Leah and neither Graham nor his sister, Maddie (Sidney Quesnelle), stood up for Leah. They both basically shrug and say “Yep, Mom is like that!” And we’re talking STUPID stuff like “Mom doesn’t like it when people rip wrapping paper.” So absolutely everyone around her has to carefully pull apart the tape to open every single present. At no point does anyone say “Hey, she’s just excited to celebrate Christmas for the first time. Let’s give her a little leeway to our insane traditions.”

The worst part of all of this is Leah is still so gracious and amazing toward everyone, no matter how awful they are to her. At the end, Barbara is having some sort of mental breakdown in a coat closet and it’s LEAH that goes in to comfort her. If I was Leah, I would tell that woman to eat rocks and I would definitely not accept her lame apology. Barbara does not deserve forgiveness.

I really wanted this to be Hallmark’s one cool Hanukkah movie this year. I seriously hope that this is not it. Because, even though we got a kickass Hanukkah party in the beginning - where Leah’s parents ACCEPTED Graham and taught him some of their traditions - this was not a Hanukkah movie. Do better, Hallmark.

Rating: Burn it down with a menorah

A Very Merry Beauty Salon | 2024 Christmas Movies

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a beauty salon-themed Christmas movie. I definitely haven’t seen a black beauty salon-themed Christmas movie. I hope that Lifetime doesn’t mess it up with A Very Merry Beauty Salon.

Sienna (Tia Mowry), who owns Divine Beauty Salon, does a lot of charitable work for her community. Now she is being honored at the annual Tinsel Ball in Atlanta. As she prepares for the ball, she meets Lawrence (RonReaco Lee). He is the CEO of his family’s wine business, which has is not only opening a shop near Sienna’s beauty salon, they are also co-sponsoring the ball. The sparks begin to fly between Sienna and Lawrence but will business and family get between them?

While I think that A Very Merry Beauty Salon was a wonderful movie, it was also very slow. Instead of action, we get a lot of scenes of people just sitting around talking. I think the only action montage we get is of Sienna, Ella (Ashli Auguillard), and Miss Kimmy (Cocoa Brown) working on their clients’ hair. There is a scene where Sienna and Lawrence are practicing a dance but I wouldn’t really call that a montage. As a result, the movie does seem to drag a little. Which is sad because the acting is amazing and the plot could have been so much more interesting. It felt like the writers weren’t really sure how to move the actors from scene to scene.

Despite the slowness of the movie, I do think it is watchable. As a matter of fact, I think I would love to see a series about Sienna, Ella, and Miss Kimmy. They were such fun to be around. We need more of them.

Rating: Can I come to the salon?